The voices of merchants filled the air along with the smell of camel and donkey shit. Ahaz was finally done with his work, he came running down to the market square. 

 “Alas! End of week cometh and I may buy bread and wine from mine laborious efforts. Look! It is Ashdod! By happenstance I find thee here in the market. What bringith thou here?”

Ashdod replied “Lo! Ahaz my friend, I came to buy frankincense in preparation for evening. I would invite thee, however my ass relinquishes with furious anger whence another tries to mount it.”

“Worry not brother!” Ahaz shouts. “I mounted mine camel to journey here, it is hitched by the Tabernacle Bank.”

Ashdod laughs. “Fool! They have not the free parking. Unhitch thine camel at once and follow mine ass to a feast with strong drink. We will meet women girded with little cloth, first though I must apply frankincense to my loins.“

“That sounds fuckin amazingith, Ashdod. I will certainly join thee and also prepare mine loins for great comfort.” 

Ashdod nods and smiles. “Behold! There is a great bladesmith named Mohab, a favorite of the king. He is adorned with great riches and holds great celebrations with women of thirst. However, he has personal preferences for those invited.” 

“Yes brother, what art they?” Ahaz eagerly inquires.

Ashdod continues. “Only Middle Eastern peoples are allowed, but noneforth from the foreskin mutilator tribes. An occupation held none less than one year in a respectable field. Finally if thou lay with his concubines, thy member be shrouded with a goat's intestine.” 

“He seemith with much reason, truly a wise man. We will go, Ashdod. Let us depart at sundown.” 

Ahaz mounted his camel. Ashdod mounted his ass and they started the journey to Mohab's place.

“We have arrived!” Proclaims Ashdod. “Go henceforth Ahaz, be there a mistress twenty years your senior with bosoms bursting forth. Her husband was slaughtered in battle and she needith fulfillment.” 

Ahaz replies. “I give thanks, true friend. Know that I already served the needs of this widow. I hath yeeted her over the bedside and filled her with seed as a pie of rich cream, for she cannot bear children.”

“Ahaz, I offer thee glorious bumping of fists, for I hath been unaware of thy prowess”

Ashdod looks up and noticed two fair maidens at a table. “Joineth thou we may? We are two men who will not buy thee wine. Behold! Thou art independent and can purchase it your ownself. Tell us thy names, creatures of temptation.”

“I am Kedma and she is Chaka. If thou wish to provide us wine we will graciously accept.” 

“By the gods we will buy thee wine fit for a Sultan. I am Ashdod and he is Ahaz. Drinkith to thy content and tell us the meaning of markings upon thou skin as if it was the first time thou tolst it henceforth.”

The group drank and told stories of their tattoo meanings and slaying of ferocious beasts as a couple hours went by. Chaka kept leaving the table and wasn’t feeling well.

“Chaka, is thou ok? I believe not, Kedma. Mine belly pains me and I must go. I hath shat mine brains forth in Mohab's chambers. 

“May the gods heal thee with great haste!”  Ashdod said. 

It was getting late and Kedma invited them to her room. Ahaz smiled and nodded. 

Quietly, Ashdod said “There is now but only one woman for the both of us. What shall we doth? I want not thy loins to rubbeth against mine!”

Kedma overhead and proclaimed "Worry not about fulfilling me at the same time in close quarters, give me a coin." Ahaz produced a coin and gave it to her. "Let the gods decide for which thou wilt enjoy, Ahaz.” 

The coin was tossed and landed on heads. Kedma said "Look forth! The gods determined thou wilt enjoy thrusting into mine head. Therefore Ashdod will take hold of mine tail side. Our bodies will form a great tower like that of Babylon and thou both shalt give the highest of fives while I make passionate gluck gluck sounds and forget how to speak mine own tongue"

They retired to Kedma’s room. Ahaz noticed a sign that read “Concubine Quarters - Lo! Sharing is caring henceforth, please shroud thine member or a painful doom in hell awaits”. Ahaz shrugged and looked at Ashdod. Once inside, Kedma devoured the cock of Ahaz. Ashdod paused and pulled Kedma’s hair to get her attention.

“Kedma, I have not a goat intestine. I will commandeer one from the market and run back faster than a horse! 

Kedma rolled her eyes. “Gluck gluck, enter me now or I will wait not and let Ahaz have both heads and tails. Just pull outward when arriving and yeet it upon mine face, I shall be glazed as a fine crispy and creamy pastry.”

“Fuck” Ashdod said. “Alrightith” 

When Ashdod tried to pull out, he couldn't. There was an evil demon that held his ass and did not allow him to. The next morning they all went to the bar of breakfast in the courtyard. There were copper tables adorned with decoration, belly dancers played tambourine and shook their asses while they poured coffee, an amazing display of sorcery. There were ostrich eggs and bacon (this was before the bacon prohibition of 1330 BC). Mohab entered the courtyard and walked to the tables greeting his guests. “How doth everything tasteth?” He asked at each table. A wise man he was, not asking how they were doing because he did not want to hear their problems. He  wore a purple cape and people lost their fucking minds when they saw it because no one hardly ever saw the color purple. Finally he arrived at the table where Kedma, Ahaz and Ashdod were eating.

“I wish for thou all a good time last night. Dost thou remeberith to put on a goat intestine? For Kedma is one of mine favorite concubines.” Said Mohab

Ashdod felt a great nervousness. He knew he forgot to wear one. “Ahaz did not wear one!” Shouted Ashdod.

“Liar! It was Ashdod who did not wear one and intercoursed her vagine forth. I but only filled her mouth with pleasure.” Said Ahaz. 

“Kedma, who is telling truth?” Asked Mohab.

“They offered me many of strong drink and I remember not, Mohab. Please forgive me.”

Mohab looked at Ahaz and Ashdod. He had his servant bring two planks of wood and sticks of charcoal. "Draw Kedma's ass" he commanded.” Ahaz and Ashdod started sketching and showed the finished work. Mohab drew his sword and sliced Ashdod's neck open. Horrified, Ahaz watched him bleed out on the ground.

“How Mohab, hath thou knowith he entered her without the goats intestine?” Ahaz asked.

“See here thine drawings? Asked Mohab. “Thou drew a fine ass indeed, but left out Kedma's birthmark which looks like an angel. Ashdod depicted the birthmark perfectly, so I knew he was the one that fuckith her from the backside.”

“Thou art a wise man Mohab” Ahaz said. “Please forgive mine friend.”

“He was no friend, Ahaz. He betrayed thee.”

“Thou art right Mohab, Ashdod deservith thou furious sword with great reason. That sword, it is of extraordinary decoration and craftsmanship”.

“Thank you, I have fashioned it mine own self and it saddens me to stain it with blood, happenstance I must keep pure mine standards lest anyone see a weakness. I hath be the kindest to guests, sharing riches. Possessions are ever such a burden, experiences are much better and you can bringith your memories to the heavens. To offer these experiences and haveth one disrespect reasonable rules surely beckens my sword to their chest or throat. Tell me, what is thou occupation again?"

"A maker of bow and arrow. Also a skilled archer with practice of years." Said Ahaz.

Mohab blurted out “The way thou watched a friend die without running away or wetting loincloth impresses me. With the Prime Minister's blessing I am leading a small army to attack Oriental land to the east, thou shalt joinith me as a fearsome warrior!”

“Let me slumber on it” said Ahaz. As exciting as battle sounded, Ahaz did not want to risk his life for the pointless whims of someone who would just sit and watch the war from the sidelines.

"Go now. I wilt give thou two month's time to ponder it. Come back then and give your answer. "

Ahaz traveled back home and went to work. After he punched in, his boss greeted him with a frustrated face. 

"Ahaz, thou arrows are too fine of quality and do not break easily upon impact. How doth we sellith more arrows if they breakith not?" 

"Sincerest apologies, I will use pine instead of oak, and aluminum for the heads instead of titanium from now on."

"Very well but I have to write thee up for this mistake. Look! Alas a meeting have we at three that will take but two hours. The lesser quality arrows will be sold to the Asians of the east and this shall be discussed. Everyone wilt say repetitive things to take up time and feel important, for we shall be done around five or short forth afterith." 

"Reasonable I suppose," said Ahaz. After listening to people suggest different materials for the arrows and saying "Um" many times, Ahaz finally went home where he rested. 

"I wonder what's out the window today." Ahaz opened the shades and got excited. "Fuckith yes, there are two doves making a nest. I will drink wine and watch them craft it, pondering whyforth they pay not a loan of thirty years for their home." 

Two months passed and Ahaz mounted his camel for the five mile journey to Mohab's place. 

"Look! It is Ashdod" said Mohab

"Forgive me for thou mistake Mohab, but I am Ahaz." Ahaz said. "Ashdod was mine shitty friend thou slaughtered."

"Of course, I forgive thee. I remember now, thou promised to join in battle while I watch from a safe distance." said Mohab.

"Forgive me again sir, I promised not such a thing. Ponder the matter I did and decided I wish not join this battle though I am honored thou asked."

Mohab drew his sword and raised it toward Ahaz. "Very well."

"Wait!" Said Ahaz. "Mine archery company has tipped the camel's ballsack in thou favor. We art selling many low quality arrows to the east henceforth their penetration will be insufficient."

Mohab was pleased with this strategy and lowered his sword. "This is a genius plan. Lo! I have great news. I suspect Kedma is with child, bled not she has for awhile after Ashdod bustith into her. By happenstance he died of natural causes and thou was the closest during conception so thou must take role of the father. It is the law."

"Mohab, I hath rememberith that a war general from the east allegedly murdered mine uncle one time. I must go into battle to find him and take revenge! Let me join in thine battle! I hath changeith mine mind.

"A commendable reconsideration, Ahaz. Mine warriors go through rigorous training, howeverence I trust thou will prevail with above and beyond!" Said Mohab as he drank wine." Slumber here and we shall train sometime after sunrise eventually. This is Chaka, lay with her tonight and she will inspire thee for battle."

"Chaka! We have met. I'm glad you feel better." Said Ahaz.

"Yes of course I for sure rememberith thou! Come with me and we will smokith the flavored smoke. 

"Hell yeah" said Ahaz.

The two fell asleep without even doing anything. The next day Ahaz awoke with a huge erection, which Chaka eagerly satisfied. She took it balls deep in her mouth and went cross-eyed while looking at Ahaz. Bubbles of spit ran down to the base of his shaft and It was at this moment that Ahaz fell deeply in love with her. Then she took out a strange looking contraption from her purse and held it against herself. 

"Turn the crank" she commanded.

"Whoa, tis shaking at an incredible speed" said Ahaz. "What sorcery is this? Mine loins could never do this lest I hath tried many times!"

Chaka started shaking and screaming until she was satisfied. They bathed together and later went out to the courtyard where Mohab was waiting.

"I hope thou both rested, we have a lot of training to do." He said.

"Both of us?" Said Ahaz. "I wish not Chaka go into battle, she could encounter great dangers!"

“Nonsensical” Scoffed Mohab. “Thou wilt keep each other safe and ride a chariot in the true Midianite fashion. Art thou up for the challenge? She will ride thee and thou shalt ride chariot. Bendith her over and fire arrows at the same time while she steers horse and swingith sword. This wilt strike fear upon our enemies and they will surely relinquish."

Ahaz soon excelled at riding and shooting arrows with great accuracy. Finally the day of battle was upon them and a fearsome multitude of chariots crossed over into Asian territory.

Mohab shouted through an elephant tusk. “Behold! Thine nation is in need of freedom and diversity and we bring it forth! Thou wilt own nothing and be happy!” 

He laid down his tusk and motioned to his army to attack. Ahaz looked at him and nodded. The wheels of the chariot started to go faster as he thrusted into Chaka.

“Fuckith this shit” Ahaz said. “He uses us to fight these people for no reason. I’m sure they hath their own problems like everyone else but tis their business, not ours.” 

Chaka agreed. “This is the most uncomfortable I hath been in some time. I wish not ever having Mohab rubbith his loins in my face againence. Ahaz, I love thee. Let us flee and fuckith in a soft bed instead of this godsdamn chariot. Free thy hands of bow and arrow so thou can put them around mine neck and chokith me.”

Ahaz smiled “I love thee as well. Let us slaughter Mohab and flee to Egypt.”

They turned the chariot around and took a back road through some trees to get back to where Mohab was. Mohab was foolish and only had a couple guards around him. All his other soldiers were fighting in the distance. Ahaz shot an arrow into the eye of one guard and Chaka threw her sword into the chest of Mohab. The last guard laid down his sword and surrendered. 

“We will spare thee, go now and tell the army Mohab is dead. They must leave this place and tend to matters in their own land.” Ahaz commanded the guard.

The guard nodded and rode off to do as told and Mohab let out a groan. Ahaz and Chaka went closer to him as he lay there.

“Why hath thou strike me down? I hath been most generous, giving of mine riches and good times”

Ahaz replied. “One does not give if they expect favors in return, that is just a payment without consent to makith a deal.”

Mohab gasped and died. Ahaz and Chaka rode off back to South Midian and gathered their belongings before the Tsar found out what happened, for he would surely put them to death for killing someone of high rank. A few days later they started their journey to Egypt. 

“Tell me again why we journey to Egypt, mine love” said Chaka. “Why doth thou choose Egypt out of all places?”

“There I seek what I have heard of. Not treasures or such things, but wisdom. Knowledge of how the universe works and how to harmonize with it and the gods. One of the gods - Thoth, was thoughtful enough to scribe the knowledge onto tablets of emerald. There I will find these tablets so I will know such things.”

“That is deep” Chaka said.

Ahaz pulled aside to get some water. He got on one knee and asked Chaka to be his wife.

“By the gods I will marry the fuck out of thee” Chaka said as a tear rolled down her face.

The two rode off to start their new life in the land of the pyramids where they sought after the emerald tablets. Their days were mostly happy and they had a shit ton of children. 

The End